Determinism vs. Free Will

Quote for Today: “Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.“ – Jawaharal Nehru

This is one of the best quotes I have seen in a while, and absolutely applies to my state of being at the moment. I am not uber-religious… I believe in God (a higher power), I know some parts of the bible, and I don’t think you have to be in a building on a specific day in order to talk to that Higher Power, so I don’t go to church. This does not mean that I’m opposed to church-goers, in fact, my sister and her family attend services twice a week, and a bible study, and they also take my daughter with them on Sundays. I was raised to make my own choices regarding religion… my parents did not go to church, did not preach certain religious “facts” at me in hopes that I would believe in what they believe in, they simply allowed me to find my way on my own. I plan to do the same: as long as my daughter wants to go to church, she can go…but I won’t force her in either direction.

I also find other religions fascinating… for example, I LOVE the idea of Buddhism. I like the idea of just knowing that “all life is suffering” and that the suffering is self-inflicted, whether we know it or not. I like the comfort of knowing that ending the suffering is possible, it’s an attainable goal, should you reach a point in your life when you’re ready to accept those truths and do something about it. I’ll admit that I also love the idea of Karma…the golden rule… what goes around comes around. I like to think that at some point, I will receive what I have coming to me, and I hope that it is good, because I’ve done everything possible to be a good person, to help those in need when I am able, to teach my daughter to be a good person with manners and a helpful nature.

I am also holding out for a Christmas Miracle this year, one that will be such a blessed event if it happens that I will drop to my knees and thank God the minute I find out what happens. In the end though, I will thank God anyway, because while I might be having a hard time right now, I still have a lot of blessings in my life. I will also sit on my floor and meditate peacefully for a few minutes when the need strikes me, because it can help me calm my nerves, to release some of the stress into the void of the universe and help me fall asleep. There’s a part in a book called “Eat, Pray, Love” where the woman is told to smile while meditating… to even “Smile with your liver” – I try to do that now and again, too.

So how much of it is free will and how much of it is pre-determined? I think it’s both. I think that God determined that we were to exist, and determined that we would have free will. I think that everything happens as it happens… I’m not sure that somewhere in the universe is a book with a full accounting of every thing, big or small, that will happen to me throughout my lifetime. I don’t believe that God decided long ago that my car was going to skid on the ice this morning, that I was going to step on that Lego Block as I tucked my daughter into bed these evening, or that I was going to write this post. I don’t think that Buddha really thinks I should accept his way of life and do what he says without question… I think you have to be ready to accept the truths, to accept what is going on and find a way to deal with it, to resolve the issue… then, if that is the choice I make, then that’s that.

But at the same time, I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, that we are not alone. I think that while I make my own way through this lifetime, through this day, this week, this month, this year… that God (or whatever Higher Power is out there, whatever name he/she/it might choose to take) is with me every step of the way. He sees my successes, my failures, my mistakes. He sees my tears, my laughter, my joy. He sees my anger, my depression, my love. He knows ME, he knows where I am, and he knows that I know that he’s there, even if I can’t see him, even if He can’t stick out his arm and block the troubles from crossing my path. He IS there… I just know it.

The only thing I wish: is that I had as much faith in myself.

Strange Dreams....

I have been plagued by some weird dreams lately. They aren't scary...they don't classify as nightmares. I don't know quite how to define them.

In one, I was walking down the streets of New York City... a place I've never been, and while walking through Times Square I looked around and realized that everyone around me was an alien... you know, the green kind they show on late night b-flicks with the big heads and giant eyes. I wasn't afraid, they weren't after me or trying to do experiments, they were just wandering around like me- off on their own personal missions. I felt so out of place... so alone.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in Tibet, sitting with the Dalai Lama. He was smiling at me, and we were looking out from this mountain top - and he kept telling me to "be still, be calm". I was so overcome with being on the mountain top, being with this religious icon and the vast view of the world below me that I didn't know how to be still... I couldn't calm myself. " be STILL... be CALM" he said, louder, still smiling and then POOF! He disappeared and I was alone on the mountain.

The common theme here I guess is that I'm alone... by myself. It's strange, because I am surrounded by people in life, my husband and daughter, my sister and her family, my coworkers, and my friends. I realize that there are people everywhere around me, to the point where sometimes I wish I were by myself more often, and then I realize that even when I'm with other people, they have their own needs, their own desires and agendas.. and most times aren't interested in what's going on with me. Even in a sea of people, I'm on an island all by myself.

Growing up I didn't think it was possible to be lonely surrounded by people... but apparently I was wrong.

Feeling Blue....

Every year, the Ohio State/Michigan game rolls around. I usually get really excited about this time of year, as it's when I get to have the most fun. Most times, I watch the game at home by myself, texting back and forth with my Ohio State Fan friends, Cheering on the blue Wolverines and laughing even when I lose.

For most of you that know me, you know that I always cheer for Michigan, and for those who know me well, you know I only do so for the fun of competition, because most of my friends are fans of Ohio State. In the end, I don't really care who wins, because the fun is in the competitive comments, the back and forth I get to have with my friends.

This year, I had to work though, and was pretty bummed out until I heard that one of my Ohio State Fan friends might be coming to town, AND that my best friend in the whole world, a die-hard Ohio fan, was willing to come over to my house and join us for the game after I get off of work. I have been looking forward to this all week.... making sure the house was straightened up, making sure the game was set to record, planning out what dinner we could have that would be delicious and wondering what kind of drinks to buy.... I found out that my friend couldn't come to town, and I understand the reasons completely, but that kinda bummed me out. I still held out hope though for my other friend. I set the game to record, and went off to work this morning posting a "Go Blue" status to start the day and feeling pretty good.

My day at work was horrible. I won't go into details, but by the time I left, I was uber-excited to get home and enjoy watching the game with my friend and hubby. But first, I had to turn on the phone to make sure my friend was coming so I could pick up the drinks on my way. When I turned on the phone I found 2 things: a message saying she was bailing on me, and another message from someone else - giving me the outcome of the game she knew I wasn't going to be able to watch until later.

This is not the first time I've been bailed on, and I imagine that it won't be the last (I might just stop making plans, because damn it really ticks me off to have someone consistently cancel on you an hour before you're supposed to do something you're really looking forward to).... and now I simply feel completely deflated.

By the time I got home, I was in tears, and my poor hubby had to deal with the wreck that I was. I get my hopes up, and crash hard when it falls through. So now, I've got a night I was looking forward to all week, with no one coming at all, a hubby that doesn't like football, a group of friends who already watched it, and a game on my recorder that I already know the final outcome. DELETE, I'm not even going to bother watching it now.

So I guess you could say I woke up cheering for Blue, and now I'm feeling blue...and a little angry. Whatever, this too shall pass.

Way to go Ohio State... I'm glad you could make my friends so happy.

Step One: Facing the hard things.....

Today is my day off, and I've been procrastinating all morning, like I always do. When I went to bed last night, I had every intention of waking up, getting the kiddo off to school, and doing SOMETHING, anything to get me on the track to organizing my life. In all honesty, using this blog is a form of procrastination, too (if I'm going to be honest with myself at least). I'm trying to work up the nerve though, to do something hard. Something that scares me most of all: going over my finances.

Since I didn't work for 2 months, we were working on a limited income, and we had to do some creative financing in some places to make it work and keep our heads above water. Now that I have had the job and the money coming in, we've been able to catch up on some things, but other things have been neglected, and now it's time to try to find a way to get it straight, before it gets completely out of control. I am trying not to panic... to stay calm and understand that lots of people have problems, lots of people have been through this, and lots of people have made their way back from the depths of panic that comes with money being owed and debt collectors calling.

I've been reading a website lately, that has helped me to get the house somewhat under control, and it says that "Financial Awareness Continually Empowers", and I am going to test this theory to see if it's true. It's not going to be easy, in fact it will be quite difficult. I will have to recognize and get started working on everything that I owe, and everything that I spend. I will have to be the one who says "no" more often to my husband and to my daughter - which is something I do anyway... but will have to be more firm about the whole thing. I don't relish the idea of being the "bad guy" in the household, the one who says NO all the time, when deep inside I really want to say yes, but know that I can't do that. We have got to get ourselves back up from where we are, and if NO is how I'm going to accomplish that, then I guess NO is what I'll be doing. Perhaps someday I'll be able to get us into a position where I can say YES every once and a while. 

So now I am armed, with a little bit of courage, a lot of nervousness to see the final numbers, a laptop computer, all the websites and passwords, and my dog curled up at my feet (he must know I'm nervous, because he's been pretty calm today for some reason!).... now to get it started, so that I'll have something clear and well-thought-out to present to my hubby later.

A long-lost friend...

Have you ever stopped to look at yourself from an outsider's perspective? To look at your behavior and your attitude and your worries from a place not quite so introspective? When you do, big things seem smaller, and smaller things seem bigger... at least they do to me.

I'm trying to figure things out, to figure out myself, and it's not the easiest of processes. I seem to wear so many hats and bear so many responsibilities...that I can't figure out where what I want to do and what I need to do collide. Sometimes I feel like the "me" that made me who I am has gotten lost in the process of growing up... of taking care of business. I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror from time to time, when I find something fun that I enjoy, no matter how short of a time that lasts. I smile at her, like she's a long-lost friend... and that somehow seems so...wrong to me lately. So I'm going to try really hard to find her again and make sure that she's not so lost.

So the first step that I'll have to take: organize my life... get things together and straight. It will be hard work, it will take some time, but once I get everything in it's right place, then I can start finding time to find myself again.

Seeking the secret of happiness.....

I know it's been a while, I've been working... a lot (which is great, but tiring) and haven't had much to inspire me until this morning, when I guess I started looking around, like I've been doing for the last couple of days. Every day I'm trying to find something I'm thankful for, a blessing that I've received (and perhaps taken for granted) that I need to recognize and appreciate for what it is. I'm looking for the bright side of life, the silver lining, and the secret of happiness all at once, and I think I might be on to something, because I've been having some great days since I started!

This morning, my blessing was Jocelyn, and how much I absolutely adore being her mother. I realize how special it is to have her in my life, to have her love and her trust, and to have the time I do to spend with her. Though I have never been a morning person, I still find that I smile the most as she and I complete our morning routines and walk into the school together. I love watching her stumble sleepily down the hallway and plop herself down in the recliner, and watching her gradual arrival into full consciousness with a smile... she wakes up so much easier than I ever have. I love getting out of the car and walking her into the school every morning, enjoying those last few minutes before she's gone for the day. In fact, she WANTS me to walk her into school, and not drop her off from a long line of cars like a lot of the parents do (not that there is anything wrong with that), and she likes holding my hand and predicting what her day is going to be like, she loves to give me a kiss in the hall as I let her walk to her room (which I know won't last long for sure), and to turn and wave and blow a kiss right before she disappears down her hallway and we go on to our separate jobs for the day.

This morning, as I looked around, I saw a lot of different reactions to the act of dropping of your kid. I saw the mom waiting in the line of cars, yawning and trying to smile for the kid as she told him it was time to go. I saw the woman dressed like a celebrity, either trying to look like Victoria Beckham or using the giant sunglasses in the completely gray day to hide the fact that she looks nothing like a celebrity.... and I noticed that everyday she wears the same thing, which I realized just this morning as she yelled at her son to "Hustle up!!!" (even though there were 15 minutes before the bell would ring) like she does every day. I saw parents who simply pulled up, waited for their kids to get out, and drive away without even a goodbye exchanged. And then, I saw the happiest parent and child of the morning: the one who was pretending to outrun her son in a race to the doors, her hair flying behind her and laughing in pure joy as her son outran her and won the race. She looked like one happy woman... she looked like I felt this morning... and her son had the most amazing smile, just like the one Jossy gives me when she turns around and waves... and I thought "We must be doing something right!".

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're looking for happiness... if you actively seek it, you will be able to find small bursts of it in every day.  Yes, the days will be hard sometimes, there will be stress and responsibility and things you don't like and things that you don't want to deal with, but there are also some really great things that sometimes get overlooked. I'm making it a mission, a goal, to find it everyday... and perhaps you should too, because it is feeling really great! I really do feel very blessed this week, and I'm grateful for it.

Going to work, and working through things...

First of all, for those who don't know, I've gotten a job! It's a job as a pharmacy technician, which is so far out of left-field it even surprises me! Pharmacy work is not something I have experience in, or really considered in my long history of random jobs, but it's actually really fun and enjoyable for me thus far, although I'm still in the 'testing the water' phase with my coworkers. I can't really tell if they like me or not, but I have no issues with them, and that's a great start.

I did find it rather odd, and a bit predictable, that just 2 weeks into the job, my husband is already talking about me going back to school and getting a Pharmacology degree, because we both know that Pharmacists can make a lot of money. I'm not quite there yet, and I'll admit that it irked me just a bit when he decided to pull that one out of mid-air last night. He swears there is "no pressure", just an idea... but just one year of my life I'd like to just... BE... without having to consider life-altering decisions. If I have part-time work, he'd rather I have full-time. If I have full-time work, he'd rather I have a better job. If I get a Bachelor's degree, he wants me to consider my Masters. Can't a girl just work and earn a wage and be happy to be supplying some sort of support the family again!?

Another thing that's on my mind this week is my stepfather, John. For some reason, he's been in my head a lot and I'm missing him more than ever right about now. Last night I dreampt he was here at the house, knocking on the door, but before I could answer it, I woke up. I'm not entirely sure what brought this about, what triggered the feeling of loss I'm having this week, but.. it's pretty difficult to deal with. I'm guessing it's part of being deprived of my mom, who went away for the school year to help my little brother with his new baby. It's funny how weird it seems to have her so far away... and even though we can Skype any night of the week, it's still hard having her there instead of down the road. Having her here in town provided a big sense of comfort for me.

Time to go off line for a bit, I'm expecting a call from the monkey's teacher so I can figure out what her overall plan is for my kiddo's education!

Looking for myself with baby steps...

I've gotten behind on my posting again. As I said once before: Meet Jamie, the procrastinator!

The truth is though, that I haven't been quite sure what to say. It's been a rough time here for me lately, and all of my problems are not something most people want to read about. I think that I am on a quest to find myself again... as she seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the ages of 18 and 31. That isn't to say that I don't have an identity...or that I don't exist - it's just that I've done so much molding of myself to fit the needs and wants of others that I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Am I Jocelyn's mom? Am I Josh's wife? Am I the job seeker, or the one with the new job? Am I the ideal sister, great listener best-friend, or the daughter that my parents expect? Am I all of these things? Am I none of these things?

I don't know where these thoughts came from, honestly. I just woke up one day and looked in the mirror and couldn't figure out what the heck had happened. Where had I gone? The smile and laugh lines are gone, replaced by the under-eye bags of a person who can't sleep. My to-do list seems a mile long, and then I look around and realize that it's because no one else has a list... it's just me.

So I'm starting off small. I got a new job (YAY!) which opens a lot of doors and possibilities that didn't exist a week ago. I spend at least an hour a day doing something that I WANT to do, rather than what I need to do or something I've always done. And I told my hubby to look out, because Football season is starting, and I plan to enjoy some games this year! I know, not a HUGE change in store, but to be honest, I'm not sure how HUGE changes would suit me at this point. As I get further on in this quest for self, I'm sure some more changes are in the plans, both big and small ones. My only wish is that in the end, I'm happy with the results.

Today I am Exhausted....

Today, I am exhausted. Last night was yet another night of insomnia.. up until the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep... and then an early wake-up call from the monkey - so I'm tired.

Then the monkey wanted to go outside to play, and was in the yard. She came in and asked (about 7 times) if her friends could come inside, to which I replied no because "daddy's sleeping" (also 7 times) and she told me she was going to Brook's. About 10 minutes later, Brook's cousin came over to ask if she could come in to play with Jossy and Brook - imagine the heart sinking to your feet and an inability to breathe! After calling her and getting no response, I went to both Brook's and the other kiddo across the street to find no Jocelyn... at which point I panicked, and yelled even louder... and Jossy popped out from behind a bush behind our house. After hugging her close, I yelled at her about how she needs to answer me when I call, and how I need to know where she is ALL THE TIME. It was clear at the beginning she thought it was cute... by the end she was not so sure of that anymore. Now I'm even more tired....

Then I go out and clean the kitchen that I worked so hard on the other day, cleaning up the mess from dinner being made last night, wiping all the food spilled over the stove, doing all the dishes that somehow got used in the last 24 hours. Jocelyn comes in, somehow managing to get herself soaked somehow from head to toe...so I have to stop, get her dry clothes and rinse the muddy shoes. Get her to get herself dressed again and go back to the kitchen. All the while, Jocelyn asking me for something to eat... a sandwich that she decides she doesn't want, a bowl of cereal she only eats half of, when she wasted both, I told her she could wait till dinner, and she got herself some milk, and spilled it all over the counter I had just cleaned off. I told her to go outside and play... that mommy can't take another accident right now and I need her to go play....Even more tired now!

Finished the kitchen,poured myself a cold glass of iced tea, and sit down to have a smoke and relax for a minute... and WHAM! In comes Jocelyn through the front door, covered in mud (hair and legs) with tears running down her face. Apparently the Bigger girls from down the road decided to come and attack Jossy and her friend, pushing her down and throwing mud at them and trying to hit them. She runs home and I calmed her down, wiped her off and tell her that it's best she stay in our yard, and if those kids start coming over, let me know and I will make sure they know they can go home and never come back... but she comes in every few minutes now to make sure I'm near the door in case they come. My poor little girl, so friendly, and so worried these girls are coming back....


Now I'm exhausted... and guess what?? Daddy is STILL asleep, even after all this noise and grief today. Somehow I'm still supposed to try to go over the finances and bills, and get some laundry done... but first... time to wake up the Daddy and let him handle some grief while I enjoy some iced tea.

Thinking of the Soldiers....

This morning I watched the movie "We Were Soldiers" - a fantastic movie I came across while trying to find something to watch on television. 

It really is a great movie, but not necessarily something that sits well with you when you have a number of good friends, Soldiers (AND their families!) facing deployment in the near future.  In fact, it's heartbreaking, and it made me cry...a lot.

So today all I ask is that you, the reader, put your political thoughts and personal feelings aside and remember to support the Soldiers fighting in our wars. Remember that whether they agree with it or not, they still go out and fight for our country, risking their lives and exhibiting great bravery. I ask that you say a prayer to keep them safe, and a prayer for strength for the families left behind.

Life Lessons from a 6 Year Old....

As I sit here this afternoon, looking at the gray sky and rain outside my window... I realize that some of the things in my life are out of control... and it's time to take the power back. I don't like it when I'm not sure what's going to happen today, I don't like the feeling of worrying about every little thing, and I especially hate it when things that bother me throughout the day decide to follow me to dreamland, making me wake up in a panic: not a good way to start the day.

So this afternoon I'm going to sit down and start making lists... things that will have to change, things we will have to do, things that are going to get us back straight, let me sleep through the night, and let me realize that sometimes life can be fun, instead of full of worries and concerns all the time. 

I want to have a carefree day like my daughter... who gave me an lesson in life today that struck me in just the right way. As she flipped through the channels and Dora came on the tv singing "River...Forest... Blueberry Hill" and Jocelyn announced "you're already on Blueberry hill, so you can SHUT UP now" and changed the channel. If you don't like it, turn it off, change it, and find something you like... who knew just how much a 6 year old can teach you?

Did you ever feel like you're just REALLY off-kilter and unable to stand up straight???

Well, I do, and it's time to make some changes... and away we go!

My Brother the Daddy on Independence Day!

Happy 4th of July Everyone! I hope you're all having a great day/night enjoying the holiday!

For me, it's a rather strange holiday indeed. My daughter is in Fort Myers, Florida, My husband is in Toledo, Ohio, and my mother, sister and I are in Charlotte, NC. What's even stranger is that friends of mine from all over the place (Iowa, New York, Michigan) are all in Toledo, while I'm away.

We're here to meet the newest member of the family, Caden John Stallsworth, who is just over a week old, and absolutely beautiful. Visiting with my brother and his wife and son is nice, and getting away from a couple of days is nice, even though I do miss home quite a bit. Luckily, my daughter will join the party when my father gets here from Florida on Wednesday, before we hit the road back home on Thursday... it will be nice to see my monkey again, I've missed her terribly.

Today was kind of a "chill out and relax day"... as Caden decided to give Mommy and Daddy some grumpiness this morning, and after a short visit I came to realize that everyone at the house was really in need of some sleepy time... so back to the hotel I went... hanging out here messing around on the computer, doing my nails, reading, and playing some Sudoku... soon we'll head back over for everyone to have dinner together.

For now though, I'll just share this great picture of My Brother... The Daddy on Independence Day!

My Baby Brother's Baby....

I don't know when it happened... but I blinked and suddenly my daughter is 6, I've somehow become 31, and my baby brother...the one Dori and I were torturing just yesterday (or so it seems)... is taking home his own baby boy.

Caden John was born this past Wednesday to my little brother Michael and his wife Shawn. Caden chose their wedding anniversary to make his arrival, and I'll be darned if he isn't the cutest little thing I've seen in a long time! This afternoon Mommy, Baby and Daddy were well enough to all go home, and I couldn't be happier for them!

Try and tell me that this little guy doesn't tug on your heartstrings?!

My brother, affectionately called Ratboy by myself, is 4 years younger than I and has taken more than this fair share of grief from his older sisters. He has been dressed up, picked on, embarrassed by, and blamed on for more things than he could have possibly done!

What I'm not sure he knows though is that he is also loved like crazy and terribly missed by this sister here... I am proud of his success in his profession, his growing up to become a decent man, a decent husband, and having the courage to enter into the world of becoming what I believe will be a great dad. 

So tonight is the first night at home with both his wife and his baby boy (who will from here on out probably be called Ratboy Jr. lol) - I hope Caden won't give him too much grief tonight.

Congratulations Shawn and Mike- I'm so proud of you, and the family you have started!

Dad's a Nurse, Mom's doing triage

I did not sleep well last night (again!).... the monkey wasn't "feeling right" as she put it. It took about 3 hours of 20 questions just to try to figure out what was going on, and by then it was near 2am. It's like some kind of Mommy Tradition, every time a new illness or problem comes to light with the kiddo, it's always me, the mommy on shift for triage and treatment. What's the matter? "I don't know". Where does it hurt? "somewhere around here" (as she moves her fingers all over her stomach and around her back). What does it feel like? "It hurts, momma... I told you that!". Don't get me wrong, I love my kiddo and would give up all sleep just to make her feel better... I just wonder how it always happens when I'm home and my husband, the nurse, is away at work?? Just my luck I guess.

Yesterday was just a long day in general, and I'm feeling really tired lately. I'm looking forward to tonight, where hopefully the kiddo and I will just fall onto the bed, sink into the memory foam mattress, and sleep like our lives depended on it. Yeah, I know... not likely, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Day Trippin.....

What a day!

This morning Jocelyn and I awoke early, drove over to my sister's house, and took a nice, adventurous day trip to several locations.

We started at an African Safari Park, where we had the best time watching Jocelyn feed the multitude of animals, including Buffalo (all of which are named Buffy according to Jocelyn), Llamas, Deer, some Alpacas, Longhorn Steer, and... of course, a Giraffe (!) and a Zebra! Also, we got to go see an animal show, where Jocelyn got to pet a hedgehog and a racoon, and then we both proceeded to hold a HUGE Burmese Python while it poured down rain!

After this adventure place (and 2 runs through the Safari), we drove over to see the Marblehead Lighthouse, which was unfortunately closed to tours because of lightening and bad weather. We did get to enjoy the beautiful coastline view, including all the roller coasters at Cedar Point!

After this, we ran over to the Prehistoric Forest and Mystery Hill. Mystery Hill is hard to explain, but a sense of unbalance due to strong gravity forces is at play here...and yes, Jamie the clutz somehow managed to fall UPHILL (unfortunately, no photo, but it would have been a hilarious one I have no doubt). After that, we went to the Prehistoric Forest, where we knew the dinosaurs were fake, but didn't know that the prehistoric mosquitoes were VERY real, and apparently immune to OFF bug repellent, because I was eaten alive by these monstrous things!

After a quick jaunt over to a store to buy some Benadryl to reduce the swelling in my alleric-to-mosquitoes bite riddled body...and finding out that we were both PROUD AUNTS and Jocleyn was a new Cousin because my brother Mike's SON WAS BORN (YAY FOR RATBOY JUNIOR!!!!).....we stopped over at a store called Cheese Haven. This store had basically every kind of cheese you could think of. Jocelyn, my own little self-proclaimed 'cheese freak' had the time of her life sampling all of the different aged cheeses they had to offer, and eventually decided on a 4-year old cheddar as being her favorite. The guy behind the counter thought she was so cute and funny, that he even cut off a huge chuck of 18-year old cheddar for her to try (about $10 worth of cheese for free), and she actually really liked it. Dori and I took a bite of it, and we don't recommend it at all- it took hours to get the taste out of our mouths! Side note: Joshua also enjoyed the taste of the really old cheese lol

Then we headed back toward home with a quick stop at Maumee Bay State Park. The view was beautiful, Jocelyn enjoyed playing on the playground, and I got stung by a bee (thank goodness I already had Benadryl on board!). 

Once home, we grabbed some dinner, and then hung out at the ugly-sister's house to wait out what could have been a much worse storm than it was... and then I headed back home without the monkey- who was Completely and utterly OUT COLD on the couch.

All in all, it was a fantastic day full of fun-filled activities, and a lot of memories that I hope all 3 of us will carry for a lifetime.


3 Cheers for Day-Tripping! Thanks ugly sister... it was a great day!

Life Lessons in Books

"Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a Civilization gone with the wind.''

Confession: My favorite book of all time is Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind... and even though the actors are cheesy, I just LOVE watching the movie too. In fact, I'm really fond of old movies... even the old black and white ones like "The Misfits".

I once got into a discussion with someone, I can't remember who, and this person didn't understand why I liked either the movie or the book of Gone With the Wind... they couldn't understand why you'd want to spend so much time reading such a long book that was more a romance novel than a realistic portrayal of the Civil War.  When I read it the first time, I did enjoy the love story built up throughout the book, and loved the way the scenes were described in such a way that I could almost see them in my mind.

Reading the book and watching the movie again though... I see it in a different light. I still love the tension between Rhett and Scarlett.... but I see it in a more broad spectrum of sorts, one that I think more people would relate to if they stopped to think about it.

It's the story of a girl who realizes that the world of her childhood is falling apart.... not only in society because of the war, but in her expectations of the future as well... she finds that marriage isn't always all fun and games. That sometimes you have to make sacrifices and do things that you don't want to do in order to get by. She learns that growing up is difficult and it's not nearly as easy as her parents made it look. She realizes that sometimes the best choice is the one standing right in front of her, that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the hill, even if she fails to see it until it's too late, or is too stubborn to look at the problem head on. Basically, she learns that life is HARD...

Oddly enough, I can see this book applying to this century, this generation (and the next, and the next) - and not just to the belles of the Old South in Civil War times.... can't you?

So no, it might not be an accurate depiction of the Civil War to some...although I'm sure a lot of it comes close... and yes, it's a great love story too... but if you open your mind enough, you might find some lessons for life that you can apply to your own life.

So maybe I'll start a campaign to get people to give the book a shot....

But I'll think about that tomorrow.... After all, tomorrow is another day....

The Monkey has Arrived...

The monkey has FINALLY returned home! YAY!!!! She made it home just in time to spend a few minutes with Daddy before he had to leave for work again :o( - and is now enjoying the promises of mom. I told her tonight when she came home that we would have a "movie night", which involves movies, snacks and a sugary drink. I told her she could choose any movie that she wanted to watch at the movie store... and she picked Super Mario Brothers Episodes (WTH????) and Aliens in the Attic. She also said she wanted to watch UP, as she fell asleep during the last half of it when we tried to watch it last time. I give her her choice of snack...and what does she get? A 3-Foot- Long Gummy Snake (again, WTH???? LOL) , which she is currently sitting in the recliner, chowing down on, looking like some kind of barbarian as she bites off the head of this gummy animal (see photo below).

It was not Aliens in the Attic or Up that she was most interested in watching, the first movie just HAD to be the Super Mario Brothers shows... and some big man in a Mario Suit singing to us (using the Mario Theme Song, of course) "Swing your Arms from side to side, come on, it's time to go, Do the Mario! Take one step and then again let's Do the Mario all together now!" - I am just going to say that I'm looking forward to watching something else lol.

It was cool to actually get to see my dad on Father's day this year...which hasn't happened in a while... he's in town making preparations for the niece and nephew's big adventures (that start tomorrow).  We'll probably find a way to celebrate Father's Day for Joshua tomorrow, since he had to work last night and again tonight.... and I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads out there (or soon-to-be Dads)!

But for now, I'm off to watch some movies and spend some time with my Monkey... Did I mention she's HOME???? YAY! lol

The Never Ending Discussion.....

Times are tough all over, for all kinds of people, and we are included in that group for sure. Finding a job proves harder and harder each time I try to go out and get one, and even the ones I'm pretty sure I've got, I don't get. I know that 'this too shall pass' and that we'll get through this slump one way or another, like we always do... how is another story, but we usually figure that out somewhere along the journey of life. Whatever is meant to be will be... that's what I think.

That being said, the conversation that always comes up when times get hard has been brought back to life... Why don't we just move and find our place somewhere else? It's a conversation that we've had time and time again, and in the last 10 years, it's one that I've consented to 8 times... packing up all our stuff, loading it into a truck, finding a new residence and starting over. And now, it's back up for discussion, and I'm just... tired. 

I have friends and family here in Toledo, people that I can rely on and love deeply and love being close to. No, I don't have a great job and I'm not making any money at the moment, but that will change (it always does). Moving is not something simple that you just do because you want to... because you have the itch to pick up and go... and it's not something you jump into when you have a daughter that's old enough to know the stresses of moving... who just happens to live in a place that has a VERY good school district, as I've learned from experience. 

Do I want to live here forever? Probably not... I'm sure there will come a time when it's time to move on and explore the rest of the world... but I'm just not sure the time is now. Honestly, we've spent so much money moving in the that 10 years... that it's been 15 years since I've had a real vacation! Every time we move I know it's going to be a big ordeal, lots of hard work, lots of stress, a lot of unknowns, and another 2 or 3 years (for sure) of no vacations- and that's assuming we land on our feet whenever we reach the desired location, which doesn't always work out that way. 

I am 31 years old, I have moved 8 times in the last 10 years, it's been almost half a lifetime since I've had a real vacation... and the answer for the moment is: I'm just too damned tired.

And so continues the saga of the never-ending conversation...

Can't live with 'em

Josh has gone off to work, and Jocelyn is spending yet another night at Aunt Doe Doe's house. It's funny, because when they're home, the kiddo kicks me in her sleep after she sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night, and Josh snores like a freight train and they make me crazy. But now it's after 1am, and the house is so quiet, and the bed is so empty that I can't quite fall asleep. It's a double-edged sword of sorts... guess I understand the saying "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em" lol.

So in the middle of the night, I sit with my computer, and a book beside me to read until I crash, which will hopefully be soon, because I'm so exhausted!

Yesterday was a bit ridiculous, and most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. The ridiculousness of some people's behavior is astounding, and what people find to be acceptable communication is baffling! All I know is that I will follow all the possible steps to make it stop, and that I really wish I didn't have to deal with it at all. And what I wonder is... who's the person who broke the mirror in the past and delivered the bad luck to us? That's just... Uncool..... whoever you are! LOL

Finding my source of calm....

Do you ever feel like you're constantly trying to climb up a mountain, but never manage to find the top? Sometimes you even get disoriented and can't figure out where the next step should go...what your next move should be? Well yesterday afternoon was a lousy one for sure... and I have found myself on a bit of a ledge, stuck trying to decide where I should go next. 


Today is a day for just sitting, relaxing and trying to reset. My mother has said so many times "this too shall pass" in my lifetime, and today I'm trying so hard to remember that... times are tough, but we can get through this... I know we can.


On a brighter note, it's amazing how much a simple hug from the monkey can help! A smile, a laugh, a hug, a kiss. Just her general silliness can make a day brighter, so when I had a bad day yesterday, I went to see the monkey - and felt significantly better by the time I got home.


So, I'll share one of my favorite photos of my beautiful, silly little girl- and use it to find the calm we need in the house today!

Another achievement that broke Mom's Heart

It's official - Jocelyn has lost her first tooth! It seems like yesterday she was just 5 pounds 2 ounces and a couple of hours old... and suddenly she's getting ready to go into first grade, reading me books at night (when she's home), and losing teeth! Where does the time go?

I'll admit it, I'm a little broken hearted that she lost her first tooth last night, because...well, she wasn't home. Spending yet another night with "Mimi" and "Aunt Doe Doe", playing with her cousins, 'Allie Boo' and 'Bubba'. I'll admit that I have been a bit stressed and it was nice to have some quiet in which to get some sleep, but man, do I miss her when she's gone. I was hoping the tooth would wait a while, that it could pop out the minute she got home with me, and I would finally get to experience a "first" of my own.

You see, when I had to work and Jossy was with Aunt Doe Doe, she said her first word. It was the same way with her first steps. She told Aunt Doe Doe about the first boy she thought was cute... and now Aunt Doe Doe can also claim the first lost tooth. Makes me wish that I had the ability to be a stay at home mom... I feel like I've missed so much... even though I know that I haven't. 

So there you have it, once again, I'm jealous of my sister... 

But without any further ado, here's the absolutely adorable Jocelyn, missing a tooth in that beautiful smile :o) :

Hug your children...

Today my best friend has to tell her daughter that her friend, only 6 years old, was stuck by a car and killed last night. It reminded me of a time when I had to do the same thing to my best friend many years ago, when one of our friends was killed walking down the street and I had to tell her when she came home from vacation. We were in the 5th grade, and it was hard then... I can't imagine how hard it will be to hear when she's just finished kindergarten.

In Alabama, my cousin Hadlei Grace is 2 weeks old today, and is very sick. She had a surgery 2 days ago that has left her unstable ever since. She was born with a number of medical issues, all of which are very serious, and she and her family are doing everything they can to stay strong and get through this.

On the bright side I have a whole network of family and friends, some of which I've never met, but know through other friends, who have helped my family send up prayers asking for help, strength, love and miracles. They text message me to see how my cousin is doing, and they genuinely care - and that makes me one lucky person.

I've spent a lot of time this week talking to God, and I know that he's listening to every word that I say. He might not grant all of my prayers, because it's not always supposed to be that way... but he listens nonetheless.

One message is VERY clear to me today though... HUG your children, tell them you love them every day and make sure they KNOW it's true... because you never know what will happen tomorrow, but no matter what, they'll know that they are loved.

Jamie, The Procrasinator - What's new in Toledo.

This blog has been a long time in the making... as I've been promising to update our old web page for years now and never got around to it. You can always tell when people are behind in what's going on in your life when your dad calls just to say "What's new in Toledo?"... and when this happens, you know it's your own fault.

So everyone: Meet Jamie, the procrastinator.

Yes, most of you have already met me, and already know that I have a tendency to just let things slide away from my focus never to be seen or heard from again... but I promise to try to do better this time!

So what's new in Toledo??

Jamie is still looking for work. I had what I believe to be an awesome interview yesterday, and I'm hopeful that the job will be mine. I should know by the end of the week and our fingers are crossed. She has also requested that the old boss only communicates by mail, and HOPES that she will no longer be receiving non-stop calls from him.

Josh is thinking about taking on a second job, hopefully one with health insurance this time, and has finally gotten his schedule worked out to his satisfaction for the time being.

Jocelyn remains to be the "Pretty-girl-tomboy" and has recently decided to try to enter the world of becoming a Fashion Diva like her cousin Allie-Boo (See picture below). Everyday she seems to get cuter, and a little wiser, and now wants to wear lip gloss all the time: If we're having this many problems controlling her cuteness at age 6, I have a feeling we're in DEEP TROUBLE when the teenage years roll around!


As for all of us:

We're currently sending prayers upwards and love toward Alabama for our baby cousin Hadlei Grace, who's having severe medical issues and has not been doing well.

We're in the process of trying to refinance the car for a lesser payment each month... we should hear today (hopefully) and our fingers are crossed.

We are enjoying having Amber, Jamie's Cousin, as a guest, and Jocelyn is very happy to have someone new to try to impress every day. Zappa the dog has even spent a lot of time trying to squeeze some attention out of her lol.

Other than that... the only other new thing in Toledo is this blog, and hopefully the posts will be new on a regular basis too LOL!