Feeling Blue....

Every year, the Ohio State/Michigan game rolls around. I usually get really excited about this time of year, as it's when I get to have the most fun. Most times, I watch the game at home by myself, texting back and forth with my Ohio State Fan friends, Cheering on the blue Wolverines and laughing even when I lose.

For most of you that know me, you know that I always cheer for Michigan, and for those who know me well, you know I only do so for the fun of competition, because most of my friends are fans of Ohio State. In the end, I don't really care who wins, because the fun is in the competitive comments, the back and forth I get to have with my friends.

This year, I had to work though, and was pretty bummed out until I heard that one of my Ohio State Fan friends might be coming to town, AND that my best friend in the whole world, a die-hard Ohio fan, was willing to come over to my house and join us for the game after I get off of work. I have been looking forward to this all week.... making sure the house was straightened up, making sure the game was set to record, planning out what dinner we could have that would be delicious and wondering what kind of drinks to buy.... I found out that my friend couldn't come to town, and I understand the reasons completely, but that kinda bummed me out. I still held out hope though for my other friend. I set the game to record, and went off to work this morning posting a "Go Blue" status to start the day and feeling pretty good.

My day at work was horrible. I won't go into details, but by the time I left, I was uber-excited to get home and enjoy watching the game with my friend and hubby. But first, I had to turn on the phone to make sure my friend was coming so I could pick up the drinks on my way. When I turned on the phone I found 2 things: a message saying she was bailing on me, and another message from someone else - giving me the outcome of the game she knew I wasn't going to be able to watch until later.

This is not the first time I've been bailed on, and I imagine that it won't be the last (I might just stop making plans, because damn it really ticks me off to have someone consistently cancel on you an hour before you're supposed to do something you're really looking forward to).... and now I simply feel completely deflated.

By the time I got home, I was in tears, and my poor hubby had to deal with the wreck that I was. I get my hopes up, and crash hard when it falls through. So now, I've got a night I was looking forward to all week, with no one coming at all, a hubby that doesn't like football, a group of friends who already watched it, and a game on my recorder that I already know the final outcome. DELETE, I'm not even going to bother watching it now.

So I guess you could say I woke up cheering for Blue, and now I'm feeling blue...and a little angry. Whatever, this too shall pass.

Way to go Ohio State... I'm glad you could make my friends so happy.

Step One: Facing the hard things.....

Today is my day off, and I've been procrastinating all morning, like I always do. When I went to bed last night, I had every intention of waking up, getting the kiddo off to school, and doing SOMETHING, anything to get me on the track to organizing my life. In all honesty, using this blog is a form of procrastination, too (if I'm going to be honest with myself at least). I'm trying to work up the nerve though, to do something hard. Something that scares me most of all: going over my finances.

Since I didn't work for 2 months, we were working on a limited income, and we had to do some creative financing in some places to make it work and keep our heads above water. Now that I have had the job and the money coming in, we've been able to catch up on some things, but other things have been neglected, and now it's time to try to find a way to get it straight, before it gets completely out of control. I am trying not to panic... to stay calm and understand that lots of people have problems, lots of people have been through this, and lots of people have made their way back from the depths of panic that comes with money being owed and debt collectors calling.

I've been reading a website lately, that has helped me to get the house somewhat under control, and it says that "Financial Awareness Continually Empowers", and I am going to test this theory to see if it's true. It's not going to be easy, in fact it will be quite difficult. I will have to recognize and get started working on everything that I owe, and everything that I spend. I will have to be the one who says "no" more often to my husband and to my daughter - which is something I do anyway... but will have to be more firm about the whole thing. I don't relish the idea of being the "bad guy" in the household, the one who says NO all the time, when deep inside I really want to say yes, but know that I can't do that. We have got to get ourselves back up from where we are, and if NO is how I'm going to accomplish that, then I guess NO is what I'll be doing. Perhaps someday I'll be able to get us into a position where I can say YES every once and a while. 

So now I am armed, with a little bit of courage, a lot of nervousness to see the final numbers, a laptop computer, all the websites and passwords, and my dog curled up at my feet (he must know I'm nervous, because he's been pretty calm today for some reason!).... now to get it started, so that I'll have something clear and well-thought-out to present to my hubby later.

A long-lost friend...

Have you ever stopped to look at yourself from an outsider's perspective? To look at your behavior and your attitude and your worries from a place not quite so introspective? When you do, big things seem smaller, and smaller things seem bigger... at least they do to me.

I'm trying to figure things out, to figure out myself, and it's not the easiest of processes. I seem to wear so many hats and bear so many responsibilities...that I can't figure out where what I want to do and what I need to do collide. Sometimes I feel like the "me" that made me who I am has gotten lost in the process of growing up... of taking care of business. I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror from time to time, when I find something fun that I enjoy, no matter how short of a time that lasts. I smile at her, like she's a long-lost friend... and that somehow seems so...wrong to me lately. So I'm going to try really hard to find her again and make sure that she's not so lost.

So the first step that I'll have to take: organize my life... get things together and straight. It will be hard work, it will take some time, but once I get everything in it's right place, then I can start finding time to find myself again.

Seeking the secret of happiness.....

I know it's been a while, I've been working... a lot (which is great, but tiring) and haven't had much to inspire me until this morning, when I guess I started looking around, like I've been doing for the last couple of days. Every day I'm trying to find something I'm thankful for, a blessing that I've received (and perhaps taken for granted) that I need to recognize and appreciate for what it is. I'm looking for the bright side of life, the silver lining, and the secret of happiness all at once, and I think I might be on to something, because I've been having some great days since I started!

This morning, my blessing was Jocelyn, and how much I absolutely adore being her mother. I realize how special it is to have her in my life, to have her love and her trust, and to have the time I do to spend with her. Though I have never been a morning person, I still find that I smile the most as she and I complete our morning routines and walk into the school together. I love watching her stumble sleepily down the hallway and plop herself down in the recliner, and watching her gradual arrival into full consciousness with a smile... she wakes up so much easier than I ever have. I love getting out of the car and walking her into the school every morning, enjoying those last few minutes before she's gone for the day. In fact, she WANTS me to walk her into school, and not drop her off from a long line of cars like a lot of the parents do (not that there is anything wrong with that), and she likes holding my hand and predicting what her day is going to be like, she loves to give me a kiss in the hall as I let her walk to her room (which I know won't last long for sure), and to turn and wave and blow a kiss right before she disappears down her hallway and we go on to our separate jobs for the day.

This morning, as I looked around, I saw a lot of different reactions to the act of dropping of your kid. I saw the mom waiting in the line of cars, yawning and trying to smile for the kid as she told him it was time to go. I saw the woman dressed like a celebrity, either trying to look like Victoria Beckham or using the giant sunglasses in the completely gray day to hide the fact that she looks nothing like a celebrity.... and I noticed that everyday she wears the same thing, which I realized just this morning as she yelled at her son to "Hustle up!!!" (even though there were 15 minutes before the bell would ring) like she does every day. I saw parents who simply pulled up, waited for their kids to get out, and drive away without even a goodbye exchanged. And then, I saw the happiest parent and child of the morning: the one who was pretending to outrun her son in a race to the doors, her hair flying behind her and laughing in pure joy as her son outran her and won the race. She looked like one happy woman... she looked like I felt this morning... and her son had the most amazing smile, just like the one Jossy gives me when she turns around and waves... and I thought "We must be doing something right!".

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're looking for happiness... if you actively seek it, you will be able to find small bursts of it in every day.  Yes, the days will be hard sometimes, there will be stress and responsibility and things you don't like and things that you don't want to deal with, but there are also some really great things that sometimes get overlooked. I'm making it a mission, a goal, to find it everyday... and perhaps you should too, because it is feeling really great! I really do feel very blessed this week, and I'm grateful for it.

Going to work, and working through things...

First of all, for those who don't know, I've gotten a job! It's a job as a pharmacy technician, which is so far out of left-field it even surprises me! Pharmacy work is not something I have experience in, or really considered in my long history of random jobs, but it's actually really fun and enjoyable for me thus far, although I'm still in the 'testing the water' phase with my coworkers. I can't really tell if they like me or not, but I have no issues with them, and that's a great start.

I did find it rather odd, and a bit predictable, that just 2 weeks into the job, my husband is already talking about me going back to school and getting a Pharmacology degree, because we both know that Pharmacists can make a lot of money. I'm not quite there yet, and I'll admit that it irked me just a bit when he decided to pull that one out of mid-air last night. He swears there is "no pressure", just an idea... but just one year of my life I'd like to just... BE... without having to consider life-altering decisions. If I have part-time work, he'd rather I have full-time. If I have full-time work, he'd rather I have a better job. If I get a Bachelor's degree, he wants me to consider my Masters. Can't a girl just work and earn a wage and be happy to be supplying some sort of support the family again!?

Another thing that's on my mind this week is my stepfather, John. For some reason, he's been in my head a lot and I'm missing him more than ever right about now. Last night I dreampt he was here at the house, knocking on the door, but before I could answer it, I woke up. I'm not entirely sure what brought this about, what triggered the feeling of loss I'm having this week, but.. it's pretty difficult to deal with. I'm guessing it's part of being deprived of my mom, who went away for the school year to help my little brother with his new baby. It's funny how weird it seems to have her so far away... and even though we can Skype any night of the week, it's still hard having her there instead of down the road. Having her here in town provided a big sense of comfort for me.

Time to go off line for a bit, I'm expecting a call from the monkey's teacher so I can figure out what her overall plan is for my kiddo's education!

Looking for myself with baby steps...

I've gotten behind on my posting again. As I said once before: Meet Jamie, the procrastinator!

The truth is though, that I haven't been quite sure what to say. It's been a rough time here for me lately, and all of my problems are not something most people want to read about. I think that I am on a quest to find myself again... as she seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the ages of 18 and 31. That isn't to say that I don't have an identity...or that I don't exist - it's just that I've done so much molding of myself to fit the needs and wants of others that I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Am I Jocelyn's mom? Am I Josh's wife? Am I the job seeker, or the one with the new job? Am I the ideal sister, great listener best-friend, or the daughter that my parents expect? Am I all of these things? Am I none of these things?

I don't know where these thoughts came from, honestly. I just woke up one day and looked in the mirror and couldn't figure out what the heck had happened. Where had I gone? The smile and laugh lines are gone, replaced by the under-eye bags of a person who can't sleep. My to-do list seems a mile long, and then I look around and realize that it's because no one else has a list... it's just me.

So I'm starting off small. I got a new job (YAY!) which opens a lot of doors and possibilities that didn't exist a week ago. I spend at least an hour a day doing something that I WANT to do, rather than what I need to do or something I've always done. And I told my hubby to look out, because Football season is starting, and I plan to enjoy some games this year! I know, not a HUGE change in store, but to be honest, I'm not sure how HUGE changes would suit me at this point. As I get further on in this quest for self, I'm sure some more changes are in the plans, both big and small ones. My only wish is that in the end, I'm happy with the results.

Today I am Exhausted....

Today, I am exhausted. Last night was yet another night of insomnia.. up until the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep... and then an early wake-up call from the monkey - so I'm tired.

Then the monkey wanted to go outside to play, and was in the yard. She came in and asked (about 7 times) if her friends could come inside, to which I replied no because "daddy's sleeping" (also 7 times) and she told me she was going to Brook's. About 10 minutes later, Brook's cousin came over to ask if she could come in to play with Jossy and Brook - imagine the heart sinking to your feet and an inability to breathe! After calling her and getting no response, I went to both Brook's and the other kiddo across the street to find no Jocelyn... at which point I panicked, and yelled even louder... and Jossy popped out from behind a bush behind our house. After hugging her close, I yelled at her about how she needs to answer me when I call, and how I need to know where she is ALL THE TIME. It was clear at the beginning she thought it was cute... by the end she was not so sure of that anymore. Now I'm even more tired....

Then I go out and clean the kitchen that I worked so hard on the other day, cleaning up the mess from dinner being made last night, wiping all the food spilled over the stove, doing all the dishes that somehow got used in the last 24 hours. Jocelyn comes in, somehow managing to get herself soaked somehow from head to toe...so I have to stop, get her dry clothes and rinse the muddy shoes. Get her to get herself dressed again and go back to the kitchen. All the while, Jocelyn asking me for something to eat... a sandwich that she decides she doesn't want, a bowl of cereal she only eats half of, when she wasted both, I told her she could wait till dinner, and she got herself some milk, and spilled it all over the counter I had just cleaned off. I told her to go outside and play... that mommy can't take another accident right now and I need her to go play....Even more tired now!

Finished the kitchen,poured myself a cold glass of iced tea, and sit down to have a smoke and relax for a minute... and WHAM! In comes Jocelyn through the front door, covered in mud (hair and legs) with tears running down her face. Apparently the Bigger girls from down the road decided to come and attack Jossy and her friend, pushing her down and throwing mud at them and trying to hit them. She runs home and I calmed her down, wiped her off and tell her that it's best she stay in our yard, and if those kids start coming over, let me know and I will make sure they know they can go home and never come back... but she comes in every few minutes now to make sure I'm near the door in case they come. My poor little girl, so friendly, and so worried these girls are coming back....


Now I'm exhausted... and guess what?? Daddy is STILL asleep, even after all this noise and grief today. Somehow I'm still supposed to try to go over the finances and bills, and get some laundry done... but first... time to wake up the Daddy and let him handle some grief while I enjoy some iced tea.