2011 Resolutions....

Have you set any New Year resolutions this year? I have, and I think that this time I'm going to keep them! For whatever reason, I am feeling REALLY positive about the year 2011, and instead of just picking random resolutions the day before the New Year starts, I actually put some real thought and planning into my resolutions and ways to keep them this year.

The first step: accountability. If I say my resolutions out loud, or post them on the World Wide Web for everyone to read, people will EXPECT me to keep them, or EXPECT me to fail (and if you know me, you know how I love a good challenge like people telling me I can't do something!). Also, I'm hoping along the way, someone will try to help me to keep my goals by either encouraging me along, or joining me in my goals.

The second step: Planning! Instead of just saying what I want to do, I came up with ways to make this work. For example, resolution number 1 is to quit smoking. But I know, from experience, that this is a REALLY HARD CHALLENGE, and that the side effects that will make me want to give up on that resolution will kick in almost IMMEDIATELY (heck, it's not even 4pm on day one yet, and I'm already going a bit nuts). So when the urge to smoke comes up, I have come up with ways to deal with them, that will not only help me forget about the urges, but should help me to meet several other goals along the way.

So here we go: These are the resolutions that I have set for the year 2011. I do not expect most of them to occur overnight, and I have come up with ways to work to make these resolutions a reality, and I am posting them to be held accountable:

1. QUIT SMOKING! I have been smoking now for over a decade, and it is time to stop. Instead of smoking, I will be saving money, drinking extra water when the urge to smoke comes on, or using the urge to smoke energy to work out and clean more often.
2. LOSE WEIGHT! I have been adding extra pounds here and there for too long now, and I have to get up, get moving and eat healthier. By the end of the year, I would like to have lost somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds. I hope to start running (even if it's in place in my living room), using the new Xbox Kinect to dance more often, and hoping to get a treadmill as well.
3. Be more financially responsible. I need to keep a closer eye on our spending, keep better track of the bills, so that if something financially devastating were to happen (like the loss of my income we had this past summer) we can be more prepared, have a better leg to stand on, and not have to work quite so hard to get back to where we need to be. As a side bonus, we'll already have more money, since we won't be tossing hundreds of dollars a month into cigarettes!
4. RELAX!!! I have spent way too many hours and sleepless nights stressed out in 2010. Instead of dealing with issues head on, I tried to hide my head in the sand, which accomplished nothing. The problems didn't go away, and I certainly didn't become any less stressed out. So I will deal with things as they come instead of trying to sweep them under the rug, I will talk about things that are bothering me instead of letting them fester inside my head until I explode, I will find more things that I enjoy and do them, and I will try to meditate on a regular basis, just trying to BE in the moment, instead of trying to control the moment.
5. READ MORE BOOKS! I really enjoy reading, and as the stress of everyday life gets to me, I have found that I have taken the things I enjoy the most and thrown them out the window. Working six days a week doesn't necessarily give me a lot of time to just sit down and flip the pages, but I plan to enjoy a minimum of TWO new stories every month, and hopefully more. Because there won't be a lot of time to sit and flip pages, I will also be enjoying the wonders of audio books, that I can download onto my MP3 player and enjoy while I'm working, doing housework, or exercising. I'm staring with Full Dark, No Stars by Steven King. Maybe I'll even post book reviews online!
6. STAY ON TOP OF THE HOUSEWORK! When I'm in the mood, my house looks really great...and when I'm not, the clutter and mess piles up and takes over. I plan to spend a little time each day getting the house in order, and then spending a little time everyday keeping it in order, so that I won't have to do insane cleans along the way. According to an interesting and motivating website I have found: "I can do anything for 15 minutes", and since the house didn't get messy in one day, I shouldn't expect it to get clean in one day either. I plan to follow the daily missions of http://www.flylady.net to get my house in order again, and keep up with them to make the experience of coming home a nice one, instead of a review of all the crap that hasn't gotten done. I will do this for MYSELF and no one else... because I enjoy coming home to a nice, clean, welcoming house, and I am the one that wants it...so I should be the one to do it.

So there are my original resolutions of 2011.... right there online for everyone in the world to view if they so choose. In time, once I start to master these, I might add others.

I have a feeling that 2011 is going to be the best year yet, because I want it to be!

Determinism vs. Free Will

Quote for Today: “Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.“ – Jawaharal Nehru

This is one of the best quotes I have seen in a while, and absolutely applies to my state of being at the moment. I am not uber-religious… I believe in God (a higher power), I know some parts of the bible, and I don’t think you have to be in a building on a specific day in order to talk to that Higher Power, so I don’t go to church. This does not mean that I’m opposed to church-goers, in fact, my sister and her family attend services twice a week, and a bible study, and they also take my daughter with them on Sundays. I was raised to make my own choices regarding religion… my parents did not go to church, did not preach certain religious “facts” at me in hopes that I would believe in what they believe in, they simply allowed me to find my way on my own. I plan to do the same: as long as my daughter wants to go to church, she can go…but I won’t force her in either direction.

I also find other religions fascinating… for example, I LOVE the idea of Buddhism. I like the idea of just knowing that “all life is suffering” and that the suffering is self-inflicted, whether we know it or not. I like the comfort of knowing that ending the suffering is possible, it’s an attainable goal, should you reach a point in your life when you’re ready to accept those truths and do something about it. I’ll admit that I also love the idea of Karma…the golden rule… what goes around comes around. I like to think that at some point, I will receive what I have coming to me, and I hope that it is good, because I’ve done everything possible to be a good person, to help those in need when I am able, to teach my daughter to be a good person with manners and a helpful nature.

I am also holding out for a Christmas Miracle this year, one that will be such a blessed event if it happens that I will drop to my knees and thank God the minute I find out what happens. In the end though, I will thank God anyway, because while I might be having a hard time right now, I still have a lot of blessings in my life. I will also sit on my floor and meditate peacefully for a few minutes when the need strikes me, because it can help me calm my nerves, to release some of the stress into the void of the universe and help me fall asleep. There’s a part in a book called “Eat, Pray, Love” where the woman is told to smile while meditating… to even “Smile with your liver” – I try to do that now and again, too.

So how much of it is free will and how much of it is pre-determined? I think it’s both. I think that God determined that we were to exist, and determined that we would have free will. I think that everything happens as it happens… I’m not sure that somewhere in the universe is a book with a full accounting of every thing, big or small, that will happen to me throughout my lifetime. I don’t believe that God decided long ago that my car was going to skid on the ice this morning, that I was going to step on that Lego Block as I tucked my daughter into bed these evening, or that I was going to write this post. I don’t think that Buddha really thinks I should accept his way of life and do what he says without question… I think you have to be ready to accept the truths, to accept what is going on and find a way to deal with it, to resolve the issue… then, if that is the choice I make, then that’s that.

But at the same time, I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, that we are not alone. I think that while I make my own way through this lifetime, through this day, this week, this month, this year… that God (or whatever Higher Power is out there, whatever name he/she/it might choose to take) is with me every step of the way. He sees my successes, my failures, my mistakes. He sees my tears, my laughter, my joy. He sees my anger, my depression, my love. He knows ME, he knows where I am, and he knows that I know that he’s there, even if I can’t see him, even if He can’t stick out his arm and block the troubles from crossing my path. He IS there… I just know it.

The only thing I wish: is that I had as much faith in myself.

Strange Dreams....

I have been plagued by some weird dreams lately. They aren't scary...they don't classify as nightmares. I don't know quite how to define them.

In one, I was walking down the streets of New York City... a place I've never been, and while walking through Times Square I looked around and realized that everyone around me was an alien... you know, the green kind they show on late night b-flicks with the big heads and giant eyes. I wasn't afraid, they weren't after me or trying to do experiments, they were just wandering around like me- off on their own personal missions. I felt so out of place... so alone.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in Tibet, sitting with the Dalai Lama. He was smiling at me, and we were looking out from this mountain top - and he kept telling me to "be still, be calm". I was so overcome with being on the mountain top, being with this religious icon and the vast view of the world below me that I didn't know how to be still... I couldn't calm myself. " be STILL... be CALM" he said, louder, still smiling and then POOF! He disappeared and I was alone on the mountain.

The common theme here I guess is that I'm alone... by myself. It's strange, because I am surrounded by people in life, my husband and daughter, my sister and her family, my coworkers, and my friends. I realize that there are people everywhere around me, to the point where sometimes I wish I were by myself more often, and then I realize that even when I'm with other people, they have their own needs, their own desires and agendas.. and most times aren't interested in what's going on with me. Even in a sea of people, I'm on an island all by myself.

Growing up I didn't think it was possible to be lonely surrounded by people... but apparently I was wrong.

Feeling Blue....

Every year, the Ohio State/Michigan game rolls around. I usually get really excited about this time of year, as it's when I get to have the most fun. Most times, I watch the game at home by myself, texting back and forth with my Ohio State Fan friends, Cheering on the blue Wolverines and laughing even when I lose.

For most of you that know me, you know that I always cheer for Michigan, and for those who know me well, you know I only do so for the fun of competition, because most of my friends are fans of Ohio State. In the end, I don't really care who wins, because the fun is in the competitive comments, the back and forth I get to have with my friends.

This year, I had to work though, and was pretty bummed out until I heard that one of my Ohio State Fan friends might be coming to town, AND that my best friend in the whole world, a die-hard Ohio fan, was willing to come over to my house and join us for the game after I get off of work. I have been looking forward to this all week.... making sure the house was straightened up, making sure the game was set to record, planning out what dinner we could have that would be delicious and wondering what kind of drinks to buy.... I found out that my friend couldn't come to town, and I understand the reasons completely, but that kinda bummed me out. I still held out hope though for my other friend. I set the game to record, and went off to work this morning posting a "Go Blue" status to start the day and feeling pretty good.

My day at work was horrible. I won't go into details, but by the time I left, I was uber-excited to get home and enjoy watching the game with my friend and hubby. But first, I had to turn on the phone to make sure my friend was coming so I could pick up the drinks on my way. When I turned on the phone I found 2 things: a message saying she was bailing on me, and another message from someone else - giving me the outcome of the game she knew I wasn't going to be able to watch until later.

This is not the first time I've been bailed on, and I imagine that it won't be the last (I might just stop making plans, because damn it really ticks me off to have someone consistently cancel on you an hour before you're supposed to do something you're really looking forward to).... and now I simply feel completely deflated.

By the time I got home, I was in tears, and my poor hubby had to deal with the wreck that I was. I get my hopes up, and crash hard when it falls through. So now, I've got a night I was looking forward to all week, with no one coming at all, a hubby that doesn't like football, a group of friends who already watched it, and a game on my recorder that I already know the final outcome. DELETE, I'm not even going to bother watching it now.

So I guess you could say I woke up cheering for Blue, and now I'm feeling blue...and a little angry. Whatever, this too shall pass.

Way to go Ohio State... I'm glad you could make my friends so happy.

Step One: Facing the hard things.....

Today is my day off, and I've been procrastinating all morning, like I always do. When I went to bed last night, I had every intention of waking up, getting the kiddo off to school, and doing SOMETHING, anything to get me on the track to organizing my life. In all honesty, using this blog is a form of procrastination, too (if I'm going to be honest with myself at least). I'm trying to work up the nerve though, to do something hard. Something that scares me most of all: going over my finances.

Since I didn't work for 2 months, we were working on a limited income, and we had to do some creative financing in some places to make it work and keep our heads above water. Now that I have had the job and the money coming in, we've been able to catch up on some things, but other things have been neglected, and now it's time to try to find a way to get it straight, before it gets completely out of control. I am trying not to panic... to stay calm and understand that lots of people have problems, lots of people have been through this, and lots of people have made their way back from the depths of panic that comes with money being owed and debt collectors calling.

I've been reading a website lately, that has helped me to get the house somewhat under control, and it says that "Financial Awareness Continually Empowers", and I am going to test this theory to see if it's true. It's not going to be easy, in fact it will be quite difficult. I will have to recognize and get started working on everything that I owe, and everything that I spend. I will have to be the one who says "no" more often to my husband and to my daughter - which is something I do anyway... but will have to be more firm about the whole thing. I don't relish the idea of being the "bad guy" in the household, the one who says NO all the time, when deep inside I really want to say yes, but know that I can't do that. We have got to get ourselves back up from where we are, and if NO is how I'm going to accomplish that, then I guess NO is what I'll be doing. Perhaps someday I'll be able to get us into a position where I can say YES every once and a while. 

So now I am armed, with a little bit of courage, a lot of nervousness to see the final numbers, a laptop computer, all the websites and passwords, and my dog curled up at my feet (he must know I'm nervous, because he's been pretty calm today for some reason!).... now to get it started, so that I'll have something clear and well-thought-out to present to my hubby later.

A long-lost friend...

Have you ever stopped to look at yourself from an outsider's perspective? To look at your behavior and your attitude and your worries from a place not quite so introspective? When you do, big things seem smaller, and smaller things seem bigger... at least they do to me.

I'm trying to figure things out, to figure out myself, and it's not the easiest of processes. I seem to wear so many hats and bear so many responsibilities...that I can't figure out where what I want to do and what I need to do collide. Sometimes I feel like the "me" that made me who I am has gotten lost in the process of growing up... of taking care of business. I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror from time to time, when I find something fun that I enjoy, no matter how short of a time that lasts. I smile at her, like she's a long-lost friend... and that somehow seems so...wrong to me lately. So I'm going to try really hard to find her again and make sure that she's not so lost.

So the first step that I'll have to take: organize my life... get things together and straight. It will be hard work, it will take some time, but once I get everything in it's right place, then I can start finding time to find myself again.

Seeking the secret of happiness.....

I know it's been a while, I've been working... a lot (which is great, but tiring) and haven't had much to inspire me until this morning, when I guess I started looking around, like I've been doing for the last couple of days. Every day I'm trying to find something I'm thankful for, a blessing that I've received (and perhaps taken for granted) that I need to recognize and appreciate for what it is. I'm looking for the bright side of life, the silver lining, and the secret of happiness all at once, and I think I might be on to something, because I've been having some great days since I started!

This morning, my blessing was Jocelyn, and how much I absolutely adore being her mother. I realize how special it is to have her in my life, to have her love and her trust, and to have the time I do to spend with her. Though I have never been a morning person, I still find that I smile the most as she and I complete our morning routines and walk into the school together. I love watching her stumble sleepily down the hallway and plop herself down in the recliner, and watching her gradual arrival into full consciousness with a smile... she wakes up so much easier than I ever have. I love getting out of the car and walking her into the school every morning, enjoying those last few minutes before she's gone for the day. In fact, she WANTS me to walk her into school, and not drop her off from a long line of cars like a lot of the parents do (not that there is anything wrong with that), and she likes holding my hand and predicting what her day is going to be like, she loves to give me a kiss in the hall as I let her walk to her room (which I know won't last long for sure), and to turn and wave and blow a kiss right before she disappears down her hallway and we go on to our separate jobs for the day.

This morning, as I looked around, I saw a lot of different reactions to the act of dropping of your kid. I saw the mom waiting in the line of cars, yawning and trying to smile for the kid as she told him it was time to go. I saw the woman dressed like a celebrity, either trying to look like Victoria Beckham or using the giant sunglasses in the completely gray day to hide the fact that she looks nothing like a celebrity.... and I noticed that everyday she wears the same thing, which I realized just this morning as she yelled at her son to "Hustle up!!!" (even though there were 15 minutes before the bell would ring) like she does every day. I saw parents who simply pulled up, waited for their kids to get out, and drive away without even a goodbye exchanged. And then, I saw the happiest parent and child of the morning: the one who was pretending to outrun her son in a race to the doors, her hair flying behind her and laughing in pure joy as her son outran her and won the race. She looked like one happy woman... she looked like I felt this morning... and her son had the most amazing smile, just like the one Jossy gives me when she turns around and waves... and I thought "We must be doing something right!".

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're looking for happiness... if you actively seek it, you will be able to find small bursts of it in every day.  Yes, the days will be hard sometimes, there will be stress and responsibility and things you don't like and things that you don't want to deal with, but there are also some really great things that sometimes get overlooked. I'm making it a mission, a goal, to find it everyday... and perhaps you should too, because it is feeling really great! I really do feel very blessed this week, and I'm grateful for it.