Feeling Blue....

Every year, the Ohio State/Michigan game rolls around. I usually get really excited about this time of year, as it's when I get to have the most fun. Most times, I watch the game at home by myself, texting back and forth with my Ohio State Fan friends, Cheering on the blue Wolverines and laughing even when I lose.

For most of you that know me, you know that I always cheer for Michigan, and for those who know me well, you know I only do so for the fun of competition, because most of my friends are fans of Ohio State. In the end, I don't really care who wins, because the fun is in the competitive comments, the back and forth I get to have with my friends.

This year, I had to work though, and was pretty bummed out until I heard that one of my Ohio State Fan friends might be coming to town, AND that my best friend in the whole world, a die-hard Ohio fan, was willing to come over to my house and join us for the game after I get off of work. I have been looking forward to this all week.... making sure the house was straightened up, making sure the game was set to record, planning out what dinner we could have that would be delicious and wondering what kind of drinks to buy.... I found out that my friend couldn't come to town, and I understand the reasons completely, but that kinda bummed me out. I still held out hope though for my other friend. I set the game to record, and went off to work this morning posting a "Go Blue" status to start the day and feeling pretty good.

My day at work was horrible. I won't go into details, but by the time I left, I was uber-excited to get home and enjoy watching the game with my friend and hubby. But first, I had to turn on the phone to make sure my friend was coming so I could pick up the drinks on my way. When I turned on the phone I found 2 things: a message saying she was bailing on me, and another message from someone else - giving me the outcome of the game she knew I wasn't going to be able to watch until later.

This is not the first time I've been bailed on, and I imagine that it won't be the last (I might just stop making plans, because damn it really ticks me off to have someone consistently cancel on you an hour before you're supposed to do something you're really looking forward to).... and now I simply feel completely deflated.

By the time I got home, I was in tears, and my poor hubby had to deal with the wreck that I was. I get my hopes up, and crash hard when it falls through. So now, I've got a night I was looking forward to all week, with no one coming at all, a hubby that doesn't like football, a group of friends who already watched it, and a game on my recorder that I already know the final outcome. DELETE, I'm not even going to bother watching it now.

So I guess you could say I woke up cheering for Blue, and now I'm feeling blue...and a little angry. Whatever, this too shall pass.

Way to go Ohio State... I'm glad you could make my friends so happy.

Step One: Facing the hard things.....

Today is my day off, and I've been procrastinating all morning, like I always do. When I went to bed last night, I had every intention of waking up, getting the kiddo off to school, and doing SOMETHING, anything to get me on the track to organizing my life. In all honesty, using this blog is a form of procrastination, too (if I'm going to be honest with myself at least). I'm trying to work up the nerve though, to do something hard. Something that scares me most of all: going over my finances.

Since I didn't work for 2 months, we were working on a limited income, and we had to do some creative financing in some places to make it work and keep our heads above water. Now that I have had the job and the money coming in, we've been able to catch up on some things, but other things have been neglected, and now it's time to try to find a way to get it straight, before it gets completely out of control. I am trying not to panic... to stay calm and understand that lots of people have problems, lots of people have been through this, and lots of people have made their way back from the depths of panic that comes with money being owed and debt collectors calling.

I've been reading a website lately, that has helped me to get the house somewhat under control, and it says that "Financial Awareness Continually Empowers", and I am going to test this theory to see if it's true. It's not going to be easy, in fact it will be quite difficult. I will have to recognize and get started working on everything that I owe, and everything that I spend. I will have to be the one who says "no" more often to my husband and to my daughter - which is something I do anyway... but will have to be more firm about the whole thing. I don't relish the idea of being the "bad guy" in the household, the one who says NO all the time, when deep inside I really want to say yes, but know that I can't do that. We have got to get ourselves back up from where we are, and if NO is how I'm going to accomplish that, then I guess NO is what I'll be doing. Perhaps someday I'll be able to get us into a position where I can say YES every once and a while. 

So now I am armed, with a little bit of courage, a lot of nervousness to see the final numbers, a laptop computer, all the websites and passwords, and my dog curled up at my feet (he must know I'm nervous, because he's been pretty calm today for some reason!).... now to get it started, so that I'll have something clear and well-thought-out to present to my hubby later.

A long-lost friend...

Have you ever stopped to look at yourself from an outsider's perspective? To look at your behavior and your attitude and your worries from a place not quite so introspective? When you do, big things seem smaller, and smaller things seem bigger... at least they do to me.

I'm trying to figure things out, to figure out myself, and it's not the easiest of processes. I seem to wear so many hats and bear so many responsibilities...that I can't figure out where what I want to do and what I need to do collide. Sometimes I feel like the "me" that made me who I am has gotten lost in the process of growing up... of taking care of business. I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror from time to time, when I find something fun that I enjoy, no matter how short of a time that lasts. I smile at her, like she's a long-lost friend... and that somehow seems so...wrong to me lately. So I'm going to try really hard to find her again and make sure that she's not so lost.

So the first step that I'll have to take: organize my life... get things together and straight. It will be hard work, it will take some time, but once I get everything in it's right place, then I can start finding time to find myself again.

Seeking the secret of happiness.....

I know it's been a while, I've been working... a lot (which is great, but tiring) and haven't had much to inspire me until this morning, when I guess I started looking around, like I've been doing for the last couple of days. Every day I'm trying to find something I'm thankful for, a blessing that I've received (and perhaps taken for granted) that I need to recognize and appreciate for what it is. I'm looking for the bright side of life, the silver lining, and the secret of happiness all at once, and I think I might be on to something, because I've been having some great days since I started!

This morning, my blessing was Jocelyn, and how much I absolutely adore being her mother. I realize how special it is to have her in my life, to have her love and her trust, and to have the time I do to spend with her. Though I have never been a morning person, I still find that I smile the most as she and I complete our morning routines and walk into the school together. I love watching her stumble sleepily down the hallway and plop herself down in the recliner, and watching her gradual arrival into full consciousness with a smile... she wakes up so much easier than I ever have. I love getting out of the car and walking her into the school every morning, enjoying those last few minutes before she's gone for the day. In fact, she WANTS me to walk her into school, and not drop her off from a long line of cars like a lot of the parents do (not that there is anything wrong with that), and she likes holding my hand and predicting what her day is going to be like, she loves to give me a kiss in the hall as I let her walk to her room (which I know won't last long for sure), and to turn and wave and blow a kiss right before she disappears down her hallway and we go on to our separate jobs for the day.

This morning, as I looked around, I saw a lot of different reactions to the act of dropping of your kid. I saw the mom waiting in the line of cars, yawning and trying to smile for the kid as she told him it was time to go. I saw the woman dressed like a celebrity, either trying to look like Victoria Beckham or using the giant sunglasses in the completely gray day to hide the fact that she looks nothing like a celebrity.... and I noticed that everyday she wears the same thing, which I realized just this morning as she yelled at her son to "Hustle up!!!" (even though there were 15 minutes before the bell would ring) like she does every day. I saw parents who simply pulled up, waited for their kids to get out, and drive away without even a goodbye exchanged. And then, I saw the happiest parent and child of the morning: the one who was pretending to outrun her son in a race to the doors, her hair flying behind her and laughing in pure joy as her son outran her and won the race. She looked like one happy woman... she looked like I felt this morning... and her son had the most amazing smile, just like the one Jossy gives me when she turns around and waves... and I thought "We must be doing something right!".

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're looking for happiness... if you actively seek it, you will be able to find small bursts of it in every day.  Yes, the days will be hard sometimes, there will be stress and responsibility and things you don't like and things that you don't want to deal with, but there are also some really great things that sometimes get overlooked. I'm making it a mission, a goal, to find it everyday... and perhaps you should too, because it is feeling really great! I really do feel very blessed this week, and I'm grateful for it.