Determinism vs. Free Will

Quote for Today: “Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.“ – Jawaharal Nehru

This is one of the best quotes I have seen in a while, and absolutely applies to my state of being at the moment. I am not uber-religious… I believe in God (a higher power), I know some parts of the bible, and I don’t think you have to be in a building on a specific day in order to talk to that Higher Power, so I don’t go to church. This does not mean that I’m opposed to church-goers, in fact, my sister and her family attend services twice a week, and a bible study, and they also take my daughter with them on Sundays. I was raised to make my own choices regarding religion… my parents did not go to church, did not preach certain religious “facts” at me in hopes that I would believe in what they believe in, they simply allowed me to find my way on my own. I plan to do the same: as long as my daughter wants to go to church, she can go…but I won’t force her in either direction.

I also find other religions fascinating… for example, I LOVE the idea of Buddhism. I like the idea of just knowing that “all life is suffering” and that the suffering is self-inflicted, whether we know it or not. I like the comfort of knowing that ending the suffering is possible, it’s an attainable goal, should you reach a point in your life when you’re ready to accept those truths and do something about it. I’ll admit that I also love the idea of Karma…the golden rule… what goes around comes around. I like to think that at some point, I will receive what I have coming to me, and I hope that it is good, because I’ve done everything possible to be a good person, to help those in need when I am able, to teach my daughter to be a good person with manners and a helpful nature.

I am also holding out for a Christmas Miracle this year, one that will be such a blessed event if it happens that I will drop to my knees and thank God the minute I find out what happens. In the end though, I will thank God anyway, because while I might be having a hard time right now, I still have a lot of blessings in my life. I will also sit on my floor and meditate peacefully for a few minutes when the need strikes me, because it can help me calm my nerves, to release some of the stress into the void of the universe and help me fall asleep. There’s a part in a book called “Eat, Pray, Love” where the woman is told to smile while meditating… to even “Smile with your liver” – I try to do that now and again, too.

So how much of it is free will and how much of it is pre-determined? I think it’s both. I think that God determined that we were to exist, and determined that we would have free will. I think that everything happens as it happens… I’m not sure that somewhere in the universe is a book with a full accounting of every thing, big or small, that will happen to me throughout my lifetime. I don’t believe that God decided long ago that my car was going to skid on the ice this morning, that I was going to step on that Lego Block as I tucked my daughter into bed these evening, or that I was going to write this post. I don’t think that Buddha really thinks I should accept his way of life and do what he says without question… I think you have to be ready to accept the truths, to accept what is going on and find a way to deal with it, to resolve the issue… then, if that is the choice I make, then that’s that.

But at the same time, I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, that we are not alone. I think that while I make my own way through this lifetime, through this day, this week, this month, this year… that God (or whatever Higher Power is out there, whatever name he/she/it might choose to take) is with me every step of the way. He sees my successes, my failures, my mistakes. He sees my tears, my laughter, my joy. He sees my anger, my depression, my love. He knows ME, he knows where I am, and he knows that I know that he’s there, even if I can’t see him, even if He can’t stick out his arm and block the troubles from crossing my path. He IS there… I just know it.

The only thing I wish: is that I had as much faith in myself.

Strange Dreams....

I have been plagued by some weird dreams lately. They aren't scary...they don't classify as nightmares. I don't know quite how to define them.

In one, I was walking down the streets of New York City... a place I've never been, and while walking through Times Square I looked around and realized that everyone around me was an alien... you know, the green kind they show on late night b-flicks with the big heads and giant eyes. I wasn't afraid, they weren't after me or trying to do experiments, they were just wandering around like me- off on their own personal missions. I felt so out of place... so alone.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in Tibet, sitting with the Dalai Lama. He was smiling at me, and we were looking out from this mountain top - and he kept telling me to "be still, be calm". I was so overcome with being on the mountain top, being with this religious icon and the vast view of the world below me that I didn't know how to be still... I couldn't calm myself. " be STILL... be CALM" he said, louder, still smiling and then POOF! He disappeared and I was alone on the mountain.

The common theme here I guess is that I'm alone... by myself. It's strange, because I am surrounded by people in life, my husband and daughter, my sister and her family, my coworkers, and my friends. I realize that there are people everywhere around me, to the point where sometimes I wish I were by myself more often, and then I realize that even when I'm with other people, they have their own needs, their own desires and agendas.. and most times aren't interested in what's going on with me. Even in a sea of people, I'm on an island all by myself.

Growing up I didn't think it was possible to be lonely surrounded by people... but apparently I was wrong.