I've gotten behind on my posting again. As I said once before: Meet Jamie, the procrastinator!
The truth is though, that I haven't been quite sure what to say. It's been a rough time here for me lately, and all of my problems are not something most people want to read about. I think that I am on a quest to find myself again... as she seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the ages of 18 and 31. That isn't to say that I don't have an identity...or that I don't exist - it's just that I've done so much molding of myself to fit the needs and wants of others that I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Am I Jocelyn's mom? Am I Josh's wife? Am I the job seeker, or the one with the new job? Am I the ideal sister, great listener best-friend, or the daughter that my parents expect? Am I all of these things? Am I none of these things?
I don't know where these thoughts came from, honestly. I just woke up one day and looked in the mirror and couldn't figure out what the heck had happened. Where had I gone? The smile and laugh lines are gone, replaced by the under-eye bags of a person who can't sleep. My to-do list seems a mile long, and then I look around and realize that it's because no one else has a list... it's just me.
So I'm starting off small. I got a new job (YAY!) which opens a lot of doors and possibilities that didn't exist a week ago. I spend at least an hour a day doing something that I WANT to do, rather than what I need to do or something I've always done. And I told my hubby to look out, because Football season is starting, and I plan to enjoy some games this year! I know, not a HUGE change in store, but to be honest, I'm not sure how HUGE changes would suit me at this point. As I get further on in this quest for self, I'm sure some more changes are in the plans, both big and small ones. My only wish is that in the end, I'm happy with the results.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Today I am Exhausted....
Today, I am exhausted. Last night was yet another night of insomnia.. up until the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep... and then an early wake-up call from the monkey - so I'm tired.
Then the monkey wanted to go outside to play, and was in the yard. She came in and asked (about 7 times) if her friends could come inside, to which I replied no because "daddy's sleeping" (also 7 times) and she told me she was going to Brook's. About 10 minutes later, Brook's cousin came over to ask if she could come in to play with Jossy and Brook - imagine the heart sinking to your feet and an inability to breathe! After calling her and getting no response, I went to both Brook's and the other kiddo across the street to find no Jocelyn... at which point I panicked, and yelled even louder... and Jossy popped out from behind a bush behind our house. After hugging her close, I yelled at her about how she needs to answer me when I call, and how I need to know where she is ALL THE TIME. It was clear at the beginning she thought it was cute... by the end she was not so sure of that anymore. Now I'm even more tired....
Then I go out and clean the kitchen that I worked so hard on the other day, cleaning up the mess from dinner being made last night, wiping all the food spilled over the stove, doing all the dishes that somehow got used in the last 24 hours. Jocelyn comes in, somehow managing to get herself soaked somehow from head to toe...so I have to stop, get her dry clothes and rinse the muddy shoes. Get her to get herself dressed again and go back to the kitchen. All the while, Jocelyn asking me for something to eat... a sandwich that she decides she doesn't want, a bowl of cereal she only eats half of, when she wasted both, I told her she could wait till dinner, and she got herself some milk, and spilled it all over the counter I had just cleaned off. I told her to go outside and play... that mommy can't take another accident right now and I need her to go play....Even more tired now!
Finished the kitchen,poured myself a cold glass of iced tea, and sit down to have a smoke and relax for a minute... and WHAM! In comes Jocelyn through the front door, covered in mud (hair and legs) with tears running down her face. Apparently the Bigger girls from down the road decided to come and attack Jossy and her friend, pushing her down and throwing mud at them and trying to hit them. She runs home and I calmed her down, wiped her off and tell her that it's best she stay in our yard, and if those kids start coming over, let me know and I will make sure they know they can go home and never come back... but she comes in every few minutes now to make sure I'm near the door in case they come. My poor little girl, so friendly, and so worried these girls are coming back....
Now I'm exhausted... and guess what?? Daddy is STILL asleep, even after all this noise and grief today. Somehow I'm still supposed to try to go over the finances and bills, and get some laundry done... but first... time to wake up the Daddy and let him handle some grief while I enjoy some iced tea.
Then the monkey wanted to go outside to play, and was in the yard. She came in and asked (about 7 times) if her friends could come inside, to which I replied no because "daddy's sleeping" (also 7 times) and she told me she was going to Brook's. About 10 minutes later, Brook's cousin came over to ask if she could come in to play with Jossy and Brook - imagine the heart sinking to your feet and an inability to breathe! After calling her and getting no response, I went to both Brook's and the other kiddo across the street to find no Jocelyn... at which point I panicked, and yelled even louder... and Jossy popped out from behind a bush behind our house. After hugging her close, I yelled at her about how she needs to answer me when I call, and how I need to know where she is ALL THE TIME. It was clear at the beginning she thought it was cute... by the end she was not so sure of that anymore. Now I'm even more tired....
Then I go out and clean the kitchen that I worked so hard on the other day, cleaning up the mess from dinner being made last night, wiping all the food spilled over the stove, doing all the dishes that somehow got used in the last 24 hours. Jocelyn comes in, somehow managing to get herself soaked somehow from head to toe...so I have to stop, get her dry clothes and rinse the muddy shoes. Get her to get herself dressed again and go back to the kitchen. All the while, Jocelyn asking me for something to eat... a sandwich that she decides she doesn't want, a bowl of cereal she only eats half of, when she wasted both, I told her she could wait till dinner, and she got herself some milk, and spilled it all over the counter I had just cleaned off. I told her to go outside and play... that mommy can't take another accident right now and I need her to go play....Even more tired now!
Finished the kitchen,poured myself a cold glass of iced tea, and sit down to have a smoke and relax for a minute... and WHAM! In comes Jocelyn through the front door, covered in mud (hair and legs) with tears running down her face. Apparently the Bigger girls from down the road decided to come and attack Jossy and her friend, pushing her down and throwing mud at them and trying to hit them. She runs home and I calmed her down, wiped her off and tell her that it's best she stay in our yard, and if those kids start coming over, let me know and I will make sure they know they can go home and never come back... but she comes in every few minutes now to make sure I'm near the door in case they come. My poor little girl, so friendly, and so worried these girls are coming back....
Now I'm exhausted... and guess what?? Daddy is STILL asleep, even after all this noise and grief today. Somehow I'm still supposed to try to go over the finances and bills, and get some laundry done... but first... time to wake up the Daddy and let him handle some grief while I enjoy some iced tea.
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